Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I finally worked up the courage to see it after hearing lots of dismal reviews. Of course, the key is not to expect too much, but it's really hard not to expect a lot from Steven Spielberg (George Lucas is another matter altogether). Not that I'm a huge fan; you always have to put up with the cornball sentimentality, but he does know how to tell an adventure story, and the story will generally be engaging and coherent.

Engaging, somewhat. Coherent, not so much. You already know the plot, no doubt, so briefly (spoiler warning): Indy and colleague Mac are kidnapped by Irina Spalko, who leads a Russian military team into Area 51 looking for the remains of a UFO. Mac turns out to be working with the Russians. Indy escapes, goes back to teaching at the university, and is soon accosted by a teenage Fonzie-type with bad hair. Hair (ok, Mutt) says that the man who helped raise him, another colleague and dear old friend of Indy named Harold Oxley, has disappeared after finding a crystal skull in South America. Indy and Mutt go to Peru, where they, too, find a crystal skull just before they're captured by Spalko & Co. A reunion ensues as Indy and Mutt discover that Oxley and Mutt's mother are fellow captives. Mutt's mother turns out to be Marion Ravenwood, Indy's great love from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yes, Mutt is Indy's son, cue the cornball sentimentality.

Indy helps the other three escape the Russians, though Oxley has been rendered sort of a zombie by the crystal skull, which appears to have the power to, um, turn people into zombies? There's a long chase through the jungle involving monkeys and swords and massive killer ants. Indy leads everyone to a hidden temple, where the crystal skull activates a chain reaction leading to the opening of an interdimensional portal that sucks up an alien spacecraft, Mac, and a spontaneously combusting Spalko. Oxley finds himself de-zombified and everybody has a good laugh, except for Mutt, who snipes at Indy for not sticking around when he was a kid.

It was entertaining enough, though I still don't quite understand what it was about. In Raiders, the bad guys' faces melted and you said ok, well that's because they're greedy Nazis and the ark has awesome power to smite them. Here, the alien comes back to life and zaps Spalko with knowledge, making her catch fire and fly into another dimension. Come again?

Also, the movie's a waste of some great actors. John Hurt (Oxley) spends most of his time bumbling around looking only slightly more befuddled than Betty White from the Golden Girls. Ray Winstone (Mac) may as well be wearing a sign around his neck saying "plot device." Cate Blanchett (Spalko) chews up the scenery beautifully, though, and Shia La Beouf (Mutt) isn't as annoying as you might expect. Harrison Ford fits comfortably into the role of an older Indy, and I think I was as happy to see Karen Allen (Marion) as Indy was. Given a better script (and I heard George Lucas rejected a script by Frank Darabont), this movie could have been on par with Raiders. It's not horrible. It's miles better than the Star Wars "prequels." But 'better than Attack of the Clones' is an awfully low standard for a movie with this kind of potential, and it's that potential that makes its mediocrity so heartbreaking.